The Things We Lost
by MadWithMusic
Summary: Rewind one year and Dean and Cas were happily married and raising their 5 year old daughter together. Times have changed though. Now they're recently divorced, living separately and sharing custody of Camilla. Things start swinging the other direction though when Cas takes some time to actually talk to Dean one night and finds out how in love with him Dean still is.


**Warning: **Mentions of depression, brief time in a mental health facility, and suicide attempt via pharmaceutical drugs.

* * *

Cas remembered the night he'd told Dean he wanted a divorce. He'd been meaning to tell Dean for over a week now, but this was the first time they didn't have their daughter with them. And Cas knew that if he was about to tell his husband of nine years that he no longer loved him, the last thing he wanted was for a 5 year old to walk in on the situation. And he finally worked up the nerve to tell Dean and he could see Dean's heart shattering to pieces in his eyes. Then Dean began sobbing, words completely incoherent slurs of apologies and begging, but Cas had set his mind. Every time Cas spoke with Dean after that he could see that same pain and heartbreak inside, and just wanted Dean to move on and find someone. But Dean being Dean, he would take forever to move on and wouldn't trust anyone. For the longest time afterwards, each time Cas saw Dean it was far too apparent that he'd been crying - bloodshot eyes, runny nose, flushed face. And Cas felt so guilty because he'd completely wrecked Dean and that was too obvious. But Cas felt nothing for Dean - well he had felt nothing for Dean at the time. Now he was the world's biggest douchebag, finding himself getting excited when they passed their daughter back and forth just because it meant he could see Dean and talk to him briefly. And you don't get like that about your ex-husband. You get like that about your schoolboy crush. Which when Cas thought about it, that's what this felt a lot like.

Today was Camilla's kindergarten graduation though, so Dean and Cas were there along with their families, too. Dean and Cas were seated next to each other at the end of the row reserved for parents, with all of their families further back.

"Well look who was on time." Dean laughed.

"I told you, Dean. I was doing errands, and lost track of time." Cas argued.

"Yeah. Right." Dean snorted. "We all know you just wanted to catch the last ten minutes of your stupid soap opera."

"Errands." Cas stated.

"More like Aaron Fischer. Because what was it? Aaron kissed Bradley?" Dean snickered.

"His name is Barney!" Cas snapped. "And Aaron kissed Nathaniel."

Dean raised his eyebrows at him, a grin spreading across his face.

"Fuck." Cas hissed.

"I'm glad that the was last season." Dean sighed.

"That was the series finale in fact." Cas growled. "I couldn't miss it!"

"God, Cas. You're unbelievable. You choose your gay OTP over your daughter." Dean chuckled. "You think you and I would've been your gay OTP."

"Of course we were." Cas said quietly, looking off to the side.

"Really? Why wasn't risqué fan art of us your phone background then?" Dean taunted.

"Because I'd have to answer strange questions." Cas answered. "And pay money because neither of us can draw for shit."

"People didn't ask questions about Aaron and Nathaniel near naked when they borrowed your phone?" Dean asked.

"No. Because all my friends shipped it. It was the OTP of OTP's, Dean!" Cas scoffed.

"I'm kidding, Cas." Dean smiled, ruffling Cas's hair.

"Oh." Cas muttered, sucking in his lips. "And stop touching my hair."

"You mean like this?" Dean sneered, rubbing his other hand in Cas's hair. Cas laughed and pulled away, but accidentally elbowed the person next to him.

"Sorry." He grimaced, smiling awkwardly at the parent and grabbing Dean's hands and shoving them back to his chest. "His fault."

"You're a brat." Dean snorted.

"That's what happens when someone lives with you for that long." Cas muttered.

"Honey, you were a brat long before you lived with me." Dean smiled.

Meanwhile, their family in the back - who took up nearly an entire row - were watching them as they playfully bantered with each other.

"Is something wrong?" Jess asked quietly, whispering in Sam's ear. "You look uncomfortable."

"No. It's just…Cas isn't my brother so I can't speak on his behalf, but Dean is and I can tell you for a fact that Dean is definitely still completely in love with him." Sam sighed.

"Anyone can tell you that." Jess stated. "Cas broke up with him. Just because Cas doesn't love him anymore doesn't mean that he'll instantly stop loving Cas as well."

"I know, but he's my brother. I don't want him getting himself more hurt than he already is." Sam frowned.

"And I understand that, but I think in a situation here, Cas is always gonna have a place in Dean's heart." She replied.

"But that's the thing, he's not. Cas isn't renting a room there, he owns the god damn place." Sam laughed bitterly.

"And I'm sure that will change over time. Dean's obviously still having a hard time with this. And he's going to keep having a hard time. He was married to Cas for nine years and in a relationship with him for 11. They have a child together and established a life together. And because of that, they're constantly still involved with each other. It's been 6 months. You can't expect him to be fine and dandy by now." Jess explained.

Sam sighed heavily. "Sometimes, I really wish Cas did hate Dean. I feel like that'd make things easier on the both of them. But it's not that way. Cas just fell out of love with Dean. He still appreciates their history together and they're still somewhat friends and can talk without throwing things at each other. They see each other two or three times a week because of Camilla. And all that just makes it harder to unattach."

"Yes, but think of how horrible Dean would feel if Cas hated him. He'd be blaming himself and trying to figure out where he went wrong." Jess replied.

"He's already doing that." Sam scoffed. "And yet look at him up there. He's goofing off and laughing and just…look! That's not what platonic friendship looks like. That's what a relationship looks like."

"Do you think maybe Cas is having just as hard a time?" Jess asked.

"Cas wanted a divorce, Jess." Sam snorted. "I think he's doing fine."

"I wouldn't say that. Cas seems just as non-platonic as Dean does." Jess said.

"No he doesn't. He seems like he's completely uncomfortable." Sam argued.

"That's only because he doesn't want himself to be comfortable. He's purposely closing himself off. "How would you feel if you knew you were falling for your ex again?"

"Well I wouldn't be." Sam stated.

"Whatever." Jess sang, turning back to the stage as the principal walked up to the podium.

The room sat through a dull, yet thankfully concise speech, waiting for the call for their children to come up. And one by one, the kids started getting called by name up to the front of the room. But even though Dean should have been waiting for his daughter, he was lost staring at Cas. Cas was just looking straight forward at the front of the large room, and neutral expression on his face. Dean's mind wandered into the past as he fawned over all of Cas's features - the wrinkles around his eyes which Dean should be pressing quick, light kisses to, the stubble of his cheeks that should be rubbing softly against Dean's face, his messy dark hair Dean should be running his hands through, his slightly crooked teeth that should be scraping against his lips and th- "Ow!"

"What was that for?" Dean hissed, rubbing his arm where Cas slapped it.

"I get this is boring, but your daughter is up there." Cas replied. "If you could pay attention for a few moments, that would be nice."

"Right, right. I was just..you know…nothing." Dean chuckled awkwardly.

Cas snorted, and smiled and waved at the dark haired, freckled girl standing giddy at the stage as she was handed a certificate of graduation. She grinned widely and smiled back before skipping off to get in line and giggle with the other children.

"Dean who did her hair?" Cas whispered. "It's gorgeous."

"Uh..I did." Dean answered.

"Really?" Cas replied.

Dean nodded. "Yeah."

"Oh. Well. You did a good job." Cas breathed.

"Thanks." Dean laughed. "I have to admit, I was horrified the whole time I would hurt her because she wouldn't stop squirming and I had a hot styling tool in my hand."

"Dean, I have full faith that she could be breakdancing and you still would not hurt her." Cas said.

"I don't know why our daughter would be breakdancing while I'm trying to curl her hair." Dean snorted.

"That's a good question." Cas smiled.

"Still seems like a job you would've been much better at." Dean sighed.

"Nonsense." Cas replied. "You don't need me. You did great."

"You're like Dad of the year, man." Dean snorted. "You would have done a much better job that I would have."

"Dean, shut the fuck up." Cas snapped. "You're an amazing father, and our daughter looks gorgeous as ever. Stop discrediting yourself."

"I j-" Dean began.

"Dean, we may not be married anymore, but if I had to choose someone to help me parent this girl, I would never fail to pick you in a heartbeat. You're the best father that our little could have. Got it?"

Dean sighed and turned his attention back to the stage.

* * *

After the ceremony had ended, there were snacks and beverages available for the parents to take home with them - although the family all went to the park instead.

"There's my beautiful baby girl." Cas grinned, picking Camilla up in his arms and spinning her around. He planted a messy kiss on her cheek before setting her down on the ground again. "Daddy told me he did your hair, today. Is that true?"

Camilla nodded and smiled. "Didn't he do amazing?"

"He did." Cas hummed. "In fact, I was just telling him that myself earlier.

"See, Daddy!" She chimed. "I think Daddy did my hair good and so do you. I think you and Daddy should get back to together. You should, too."

Sam burst out laughing and slapped Cas's back. "Isn't she cute?"

"I think we all know who she gets that opinionated mouth from." Dean retorted.

"Why is everyone picking on me?" Cas grumbled. "I'm not even biologically related to her.

"Because you're fun to pick on." Dean laughed.

"Also because when you marry someone, you marry the whole family. But you can't divorce the family." Sam sneered, sitting down next to Dean.

"Thank God. That gives me the confidence that there's always going to be someone to annoy you." Dean smiled.

"Yes. And that's you, Dean." Cas stated.

"No it's not!" Camilla argued. "You love Daddy."

"Everyone annoys Daddy. He's grumpy." Dean chuckled.

"I'm not going to catch a break today am I?" Cas sighed, sitting next to Dean and pulling Camilla to sit on his lap.

"No way, Jose." Camilla sang.

"You are the cutest niece anyone could want." Jess laughed, sipping from her pink lemonade.

"Thank you, Auntie Jessie." She beamed.

"So, as I mentioned yesterday, I have to go to a meeting this weekend, so you're going to be staying with Uncle Sammy and Aunt Jess." Cas stated, so once you've played around for a bit, Sam and Jess will drop me off at home and you'll be going back with them for a couple days."

"Why can't I stay with Daddy?" Camilla frowned.

"Because Daddy has to go visit grandma and grandpa for a couple days." Dean answered.

Camilla pouted.

"Think about it this way, Cammy." Jess smiled, leaning in to whisper in her ear. "We always give you extra ice cream."

Camilla squealed and smiled.

"What did you tell her?" Dean asked.

Jess winked at him and laughed.

* * *

It only took until they were halfway to Cas's house for Camilla to discover she'd left her favorite stuffed animal at Dean's house. After telling her she could go without it for a couple nights and then a sobbing fit, Sam dropped Jess off at their home to start dinner while he and Cas went back to Dean's to retrieve her stuffed bunny.

"Sam, why don't you leave without me? I want to talk to Dean for a while." Cas said.

"Are…you sure?" Sam asked.

"About what?" Dean replied.

"Dunno." Cas shrugged.

"That sure clears things up." Dean snorted.

"I'm sure, Sam." Cas stated.

"How will you get home? Would you like me to come pick you up when you're done?" Sam offered.

"No. I can catch a bus or a taxi." Cas said.

"Or you could bunk on the couch if you'd like? It would be cheaper on taxi fare to the airport tomorrow." Dean suggested.

"I'll figure something out." Cas assured Sam, patting his shoulder. "Now go give my daughter her Foofy."

Sam giggled. "I love that name."

Sam smiled and shut the door and Dean looked at him expectantly.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Dean asked hesitantly.

Cas walked over and sat on the couch before digging through his bag.

"Make yourself at home." Dean muttered, following him and sitting next to him.

"Well specifically I wanted to talk about our days and custody of Camilla." Cas began.

"Is something wrong?" Dean frowned.

"Well, not really." Cas replied, pulling one piece of paper to the top of the sheets in his hand. "Right now you have 3 days with her a week and I have 4. I was really hoping we could switch that around so you got her on all the weekdays and I got her on the weekends."

"Why?" Dean asked.

"I just…I don't think I'm cut out to be a single father right now, but I still want to have my daughter in her life." Cas sighed. "And you're a much better father to her than I am."

"Right." Dean scoffed.

"She likes you better." Cas stated.

"She's 5, Cas. She loves everyone. Especially you." Dean argued. "And if you aren't capable of being a single dad, then why would you think I am?"

"Because you've proven that you can be an amazing father to her with out without me." Cas said.

"That doesn't mean that you just pass her off to me." Dean retorted.

"I'm not. I'm just shifting you some of the responsibility." Cas explained, holding up the papers. "I drew out a mind map of why everything would work."

"I don't need to see your mind map, Cas." Dean groaned. "But you're her father too, dammit. And saying that you don't want to be her father 5 days of the week because she doesn't love you, is flat out childish!"

"Dean that is not what I'm saying at all." Cas growled. "Camilla is my daughter and I love her more than anything. I always want to be her father, and I always will. Letting you take care of her more instead of me would be what's best for her."

"Well then tell me this, Cas? What makes me such a better father than you? Because last I checked, you had stability, you had a job, you had a house, you made sure she gets everywhere on time and gets her homework in. And I'm in between jobs, still haven't moved in here at all, and I'm not able to help her with her homework as well as you can."

"This isn't about money or jobs, or homework, or intelligence. The is about the fact that you are just naturally more of a father than I am. I'm too strict and you're perfect."

"You're not gonna let me win are you?" Dean sighed.

"You know me. I don't take no for an answer." Cas stated.

"Compromise." Dean said. "We switch. I do 4 days a week, you do 3. We'll try that out and if there's some major improvement in the quality of life of everyone here, then we can try me doing 5. But considering that our custody plan is fine as it is, I don't think we're going to see a huge difference here."

Cas sighed loudly. "I can do that."

"Fine. So…what? Start of next month do we start this or…?"

"I was going to say next week, but in retrospect starting next month is a much better, organized plan." Cas replied.

"Alright. So if that's settled, should I call you a cab?" Dean offered, standing up.

"No!" Cas exclaimed, grabbing Dean's wrist and pulling him back down.

"Oh. You have something else to mention?" Dean asked.

"Well no. I was just hoping would could…talk, you know?" Cas smiled sheepishly.

"Talk?" Dean raised his eyebrow at Cas.

"Yeah. You know. Just, sit down and have a conversation." Cas stated.

"Why?"

"Well why not?" He countered.

"Cas. We're not married anymore." Dean said quietly.

"So?" Cas scoffed.

"Divorcees don't normally grab a beer and hang out." Dean sighed.

"Since when was anything about us normal, Dean?" Cas asked.

"You're right, Cas. We've never been normal. But that doesn't change the fact that we aren't going to just be easy friends." Dean replied.

"I'm not asking to be easy friends." Cas said. "I'm just asking to have an actual conversation with someone I haven't had an actual conversation with in a long time."

"That's not my fault, Cas. That's on you. I think you lost your free access to meaningful conversations when you filed the divorce." Dean choked.

"Before we were in a relationship we could talk just fine though. You and Sam can have a conversation without being married, can't you?"

"Cas, having a conversation with your friend and the guy you're hardcore crushing on is so much different than having a conversation with the guy who broke up with you." Dean said.

"But I miss talking with you." Cas frowned.

"I miss doing everything with you!" Dean argued, instantly getting emotional and teary-eyed. "Do you not think that I don't miss every little thing about you? Do you not think that I don't miss being with you? Do you think that **I **don't miss talking to **you**? And you think you deserve for me to talk to you because miss it?"

"Dean I'm not saying I deserve it, and I know I sure don't. I'm just asking."

"Why don't you go ask one of your many adoring friends, huh? They'll talk to you!" Dean exclaimed.

Cas sighed to himself. "Because it's you I want to talk to. Not them. They don't know me like you do."

"So?" Dean scoffed.

"So I want to talk to you. I want to talk to someone who knows me and understands me and doesn't judge me and never would. Is that so bad?" Cas replied. "Because don't tell me you don't want the same."

"Of course I want the same." Dean croaked, tears starting to fall. "Of course I do, Cas."

"Because I m-miss…" Dean stammered, lip trembling before breaking down sobbing. "I really fucking miss you! More than anything in the world!"

Cas immediately pulled Dean against his chest and gently combed his hand through his hair. "Dean…I…"

Dean just kept crying and hyperventilating against Cas and Cas sat there and let him, holding him tightly. Because Dean didn't have much in the way of friends and even the few he had, he never opened up to like he did with Cas. He could always come to Cas about things. But, Cas took that away from him. And this was probably the first time he'd actually let out all his anger and sadness about the divorce. And Cas was the only one who could give him comfort. But the worst part was that Cas was sitting here consoling him, when he was the one who brought these tears.

Dean cried for about an hour before finally letting up. "I'm sorry." He whimpered sniffling.

"It's alright." Cas assured him, kissing his temple. "It's alright, Dean."

"I don't - I don't mean to make you feel guilty or anything. It was what you wanted I just-" Dean sighed.

"Dean, it's alright." Cas whispered, pushing him away. "Here."

Cas picked up the glass of old water on the table and brought it up to Dean's lips, urging him to drink. Dean slowly drank it down until it was gone and then Cas set it back down. Using his tie, Cas wiped the tears and snot off Dean's face. Cas pulled Dean back into a hug and let him just rest against him.

"Cas?" Dean mumbled.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas answered.

"If I ask you something, will you the truth?" Dean asked.

"Of course." Cas replied. "What do you want to know?"

"Have you found someone else yet?" Dean whimpered.

"No. I haven't really been looking either to be quite honest." Cas stated.

"Really? Why?" Dean continued.

"I have responsibilities." Cas sighed.

"Camilla?"

"Well yes. But I still have work, housework, appointments, et cetera." Cas said.

"So you haven't been interested in anyone?" Dean breathed.

"Yes and no." Cas replied.

"Huh."

"I had a night off a while back and I was in a mood. Kindof under the influence so I went to a bar and for one, was very intimidated. There was a lot more drugs and public obscenity than I remember. But a guy kinda liked me and I kinda liked him and we went back to his place and he was doing all kinds of sexy stuff - strip teasing, playing with himself, dirty talk - and no matter what he did, I couldn't get it up. At all." Cas explained.

"So you're on like Viagra now or something?" Dean asked.

"Haha, no. I guess I just wanted sex in general, but wasn't interested in him in the slightest." Cas continued.

"You must be getting old." Dean retorted. "Because the Cas I know could go from 0-60 in less than a minute."

"Living with you does that to a person." Cas chuckled.

Dean laughed into Cas's neck.

"This is not funny, Dean." Cas stated.

"I think it is." Dean snorted.

"You think anything that relates to me getting fucked is funny."

"Well it sounds like you got of the opposite of fucked here." Dean snickered, pulling out of Cas's arms.

Cas rolled his eyes and smiled before taking a deep breath and just staring into Dean's sparkly green eyes. Slowly, Cas found himself inching forward until their noses were touching and they could feel each other's breath. Cas paused and shut his eyes before finally joining their lips. Every inch of sense in his body was saying no, but his entire being was screaming yes. He broke up with Dean for fucks sake. He shouldn't be kissing him. But then Dean brought his hand up to hold Cas's face and Cas was done for. All he wanted was more - more touching, more kissing, more caressing - and he only wanted Dean.

They kept kissing and caressing each other until Dean stood up and took Cas's hand. Cas hesitantly stood up and Dean led him into the bedroom. As soon as they were on the bed, they were undressing each other and and gently holding each other. Cas mentally cursed himself for even kissing Dean let alone ending up in bed with him. But the mental cursing was drowned out by how completely ecstatic he was to feel soft kisses against his thigh again, lips slowly moving upwards until he was being kissed again. And after what felt like a blissful eternity of just kissing and fondling, Dean moved on top of Cas and a steady, rocking motion ensued. They kept on with each other until both of them could hardly open their eyes and they fell asleep tangled in each other's limbs.

* * *

Morning came and Cas woke, immediately feeling the shame set in after the previous night. Dean was in the shower and Cas was just left laying naked in his bed. He wasn't too sure how Dean even got out of bed without waking him considering that last he remembered, they were snuggled together and had their arms and legs all wrapped around each other. And for the brief time Cas was awake for it, he really loved it. It had been so long since he'd had someone touch him or hold him or lay in bed with him.

Cas pushed back the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. He'd never really been in Dean's room before. It was so clean. But maybe not. Maybe more of just empty. There was nothing in there except for the furniture that was there when he moved in - no decorations, no magazines, no lamps, nothing on the walls. Just two nightstands, a bed, and a dresser. Cas figured he should wash his clothes after all they did the night before, but he had no clue how to work a washer machine that wasn't his. He'd just do them at home. Dean wouldn't mind him borrowing some of his clothes, would he?

Cas knew Dean always kept his underwear in a nightstand by the bed so he didn't have to get out of bed to change or start getting dressed. Cas checked the nightstand next to him and looked for some reason. It was completely empty. He went and sat on the other side of the bed back turned to the bathroom now and searched that dresser. He opened the top drawer and gasped when he saw everything in it. It was just piles of memories from their relationship. At first glance, Cas saw the marriage certificate, their photo album, some letters they exchanged, and a few birthday and valentines day cards.

Cas started taking things out and looking at them, then setting them on the bed next to them. He was hit with nostalgia as he found all these old tokens of their marriage. There was a DVD labelled, "Our Wedding" in there which contained videos and a slideshow of pictures. Cas would never confess, but he'd gotten drunk soon after the divorce and ended up watching that DVD all night long while sobbing. After that, he put it somewhere his drunk self would never find it - one of Camilla's DVD's. He completely forgot about it after that which worked perfectly until she had a friend over and they wanted to watch a movie and while Cas was setting up the DVD player, he had her put the disc in. He was hit with dread and sorrow when it started playing. He went to take it out, but Camilla was more interested in it than Beauty and the Beast so she watched that instead. He had to go hide away somewhere else in the house to avoid getting upset again.

He laughed and blushed deeply when he found a small plastic sphere in there. They always kept it around as a joke but it was one of those things he imagined Dean threw out in the divorce. But it appeared he threw nothing out. Cas closed his fist around the ball and smiled, remembering the night that that happened. He and Dean were fooling around together and Dean wanted to try out this new sex toy he'd found at a store downtown, but it was very cheaply made anal beads and the one on the end broke off and neither he or Dean could get it out so they ended up at the hospital with an embarrassing story.

There were also a lot of pictures of them in there, the tie Cas wore on their first date, the collection of necklaces they wore while at a pride parade in Boston. Cas had eventually gone through everything in the drawer and figured that the underwear would be in the bottom drawer - which it was. But also along with a teddybear missing an ear and that was what pushed Cas over the edge. It was from their first date. They were at the fair and Dean saw this teddybear he thought was adorable. To get it, you had to pop 5 balloons out of 8 darts. They only had enough tickets for one more game at the fair so Cas said he'd do it and win Dean the bear, calling it the 'cliché ending to a perfect date'. But Cas had only popped 3 balloons and only had one dart left. So he yelled "What the fuck is that!" and pointed and while the worker looked, Cas jumped up on the counter, grabbed the bear and ran off with it, Dean running after him calling his name.

When they made it back to the car, both of them panting Cas smiled and handed Dean the bear. "Here. I got this for you." Dean laughed and took the bear before getting in the car and telling him, "I'll love it forever."

Cas hugged the bear against his chest and started crying. They had the best, most loving relationship and now they don't because Cas decided to throw it all away over nothing. He didn't hear the bathroom door open - or the shower shut off for that matter - and Dean stepped out, but as soon as he saw Cas crying, he ran over and sat next to him.

"What's wrong?" He asked quietly, but then he saw everything on the bed and in Cas's lap and his question was answered.

"Me." Cas croaked.

Dean rested his hand on Cas's hand and gently stroked it with his thumb.

"I miss you, Dean. I fucking miss you. Every waking moment of everyday all I can think about is how much I want to hug you and kiss you and be with you and be your husband again. I'm so miserable with out you." He whimpered.

"Then why not just tell me?" Dean sighed. "You know I still love you."

"Because I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve to have you back." Cas replied.

"I also didn't deserve this teddy bear, but I still have that, don't I?" Dean countered.

"A teddy bear and a marriage and very different things, Dean." Cas snapped.

"That doesn't change my point here." Dean sighed. "I love you so I don't care what you think of yourself. I just want to be with you no matter what."

"That doesn't change the fact that I hurt you so bad." Cas choked.

"Everyone hurts each other in relationships." Dean said.

"I divorced you!" Cas exclaimed. "There's a huge difference between getting pissed and saying things you don't mean and getting a fucking divorce when all you did was love me and appreciate me."

"And I still do." Dean replied quietly.

"You shouldn't. Divorcing you was the biggest mistake of my life." Cas whimpered.

"So then what do you want, Cas?" Dean asked.

"I just want to be with you again." Cas sobbed.

Dean broke out in a smile. "I can do that."

"Really?" Cas looked up at him and smiled.

"Really." Dean grinned, grabbing Cas and hugging him.

"Thank you so much I don't deserve this at all I love you so much." Cas rambled.

"I love you, too." Dean smiled, kissing Cas's forehead. He took the bear from Cas's hands and set it back in the drawer.

"I'm cold." Cas breathed.

Dean instantly climbed onto the bed and pulled Cas against him, laying down and snuggling him into his chest. From practically day 1 of their relationship, there was this unspoken code that anytime Cas told Dean he was cold it just meant he wanted to be cuddled and hugged and taken care of.

* * *

"I imagine you didn't throw a big fancy dinner for no reason now." Sam said, setting his fork down.

"Well you are right." Cas smiled subtly.

"What's going on in the world of Cas then?" Jess sang.

"Well. You remember Sam, a week ago the night before I had to leave for my trip, I stayed late at Dean's…"

"Oh no." Sam sighed. "What trouble did you get into now?"

"Well…" Cas started smiling widely. "We're getting back together."

"Back together?" Sam scoffed.

"Yeah. Back together." Cas nodded. "He already gave his notice of leave to his renter and as soon as his time there is up, he's coming back home."

"Wow." Sam breathed. "I can not believe I'm hearing this. Have you told Camilla?"

"No. Not yet. She can't keep a secret." Dean snorted.

"Neither can you." Cas replied.

"So are you guys going to get married again then or…?" Sam asked.

"Um…" Cas and Dean looked at each other awkwardly. "We'll have to get back to you on that."

"Are you telling me that you guys just decided to get back together and completely disregarded the fact that a few months ago you guys were married?" Sam laughed.

"Yeah. Basically." Dean answered.

"Although in all fairness, when you first met Jess were you already planning the wedding? No. Because when you first get with someone you don't immediately think of marrying them." Cas replied.

"Uh Cas, baby. We've been together 11 years. This ain't no budding romance." Dean smirked.

"…Shut up." Cas muttered.

* * *

"Aren't you supposed to be staying at your apartment?" Cas asked.

"Yes. I'm choosing not to." Dean stated, shutting and locking the front door behind them.

"Well if you're planning on doing anything with me, I got news because I am going to bed right now. I have to get up at 5 to get ready for work and get her ready for school." Cas said, already loosening his tie.

"Good. We can get right to spooning then." Dean laughed.

Cas snorted as he dropped his tie on the floor on the way to the bedroom.

Once undressed, they slid in bed next to each other, and Cas started wiggling around.

"Stay still, Jesus." Dean smiled.

"I'm not used to sleeping with someone else." Cas said, settling in more comfortably.

"Well I'm just going to have to do something about that now, aren't I?" Dean sang.

Cas nodded. "Please do."

Dean laughed and pressed a soft kiss against Cas's lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Cas breathed, kissing him again a little firmer. "And you know, Sam had a good question tonight."

"What question?" Dean asked.

"When he wanted to know if we were getting married again. So, are we?" Cas replied.

"I assume so. I mean I married you once, I didn't I? I don't know why I wouldn't again." Dean chuckled.

"No I mean like now." Cas said.

"Now?"

"Yeah. Like right here, right now could we call ourselves engaged?" Cas sighed.

"Don't you think that'd be a little quick?" Dean raised his eyebrows at him.

"Quick? We were married for 9 years, Dean. We got married as soon as you were 18. What's your worry about things being quick all of a sudden?" Cas frowned.

"I mean it's just. A week ago we were awkward divorcees. And now you're saying you want to get married?"

"I just…I want things to go back to the way they were. That's all. I want to pretend this little…separation didn't even happen. As soon as the divorce was finalized I wanted you back, Dean. I truly did."

"Then why the hell didn't you say something? You know I would have taken you back in a heartbeat." Dean sighed.

"Because I know then I'd have to explain why I wanted the divorce. And I can't do that." Cas whispered.

"Well Cas. Now you have to tell me why you wanted it in the first place or I won't answer your question."

"Yeah, but now I miss you so much I'm willing to tell." Cas continued.

"So fucking tell me." Dean scoffed.

"It was my medication." Cas stated.

"What medication?" Dean asked. "You're totally healthy. You were never on any."

"Not that you knew of." Cas muttered. "But it worked a little too well and it made me really emotionally numb and I didn't take the hint until afterwards. But in the final days of the divorce process, they did a test to make sure it wasn't causing any liver or kidney damage - which it did in some cases -, but it was so they stopped it. But it wasn't until after the divorce that I began feeling stronger emotions again and drank myself into a stupor over it."

"What. Medication." Dean demanded.

"Anti-depressants." Cas whimpered.

"What?"

"Anti-depressants." He muttered.

"Well unless you were taking elephants, I'm still not hearing you." Dean snorted.

"Anti-depressants." Cas finally said loud enough Dean could hear.

"Cas…" Dean breathed, pulling him into a hug. "Why? How long? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell you because I was scared you'd leave me. That you'd think I was going crazy." Cas answered.

"No. Never. And even if you were, I'd love you anyways. I'm keeping you." Dean replied.

"I know it was irrational and I knew it was irrational back then, but it still didn't stop me from being scared. As for why, do you remember that time back in 2012 I had a last minute business trip and went away for a few days?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded. "You mean that one where you completely disappeared, wouldn't answer your phone, email, Skype, anything, and had me completely horrified that something had happened to you?"

"Yes. That one." Cas said. "I didn't really have business affairs. I went and checked myself into a facility because the night before I took an entire bottle of pills."

"Cas, I'm so sorry." Dean choked, holding him tighter.

"Obviously I immediately made myself throw them up, but that just showed me how unstable I was and that I needed help." Cas continued.

"I'm so glad, you're alright." Dean whispered, kissing his neck.

"I am, too." Cas replied, bringing his arms around Dean to hug him comfortingly. "And I really wish I had told you about it all, because there were so many times that I was upset or just needed someone to talk to and couldn't."

"I'm so sorry." Dean repeated, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. "But why were you so sad in the first place? Was it me?"

"No. Of course not. I was so happy with you and Camilla and my life was perfect." Cas said. "But, I don't know. I really don't. Sometimes I'd just get really really upset and sad for no reason and want to spend the whole day in bed. Or some days one little thing would go wrong and it'd leave me sad the whole day."

"Well, now you have me." Dean smiled sadly, pulling away and cupping Cas's face. "And you know that you can always come to me for better or for worse. Married, divorced, it's complicated, or anywhere in between I'll always be here for you."

"I know." Cas smiled back, and nuzzled his cheek against Dean's hand. "I know, Dean."

Dean leaned in and softly kissed Cas before hugging him again.

* * *

"You know you never answered my question last night." Cas sang.

"Right…" Dean muttered. "I'll answer if I can have a bite of your waffle."

Cas quickly shoved the plate over in front of Dean.

"Yum." Dean grinned, taking a large bite and going in for another, but Cas slapped his hand away.

"You said a bite. Not multiple." Cas stated, taking his plate back.

"Well, despite the fact that this was the lamest proposal someone could get, this the biggest yes, you will get." Dean smiled.

Cas gasped and beamed widely. "You know what this means then?"

"You can divorce all over again?" Dean chuckled.

"Never." Cas growled playfully. "But we can get that wedding we always wanted. When we first got married we were broke fresh out of high school. But now we have a large amount of rainy day funds, right? We can have that wedding on the beach. Just you, me, Camilla, Sam, Jess, and their kids. And we can honeymoon in Paris at that resort that has free Kama Sutra classes and-"

"I remember our dream wedding, Cas." Dean laughed. "And I'm in."

"I know. But also imagine how excited Camilla will be! You know how much she loved watching our wedding videos. Just think of her when she gets to see the real thing."

"You're right." Dean smiled. "You are so right."

"I know." Cas breathed, taking a bite of his waffle.

* * *

"Where's Daddy?" Camilla asked, pulling on Cas's jacket sleeve.

"He's just making sure he looks good, honey. He'll be out any moment." Cas replied.

She nodded and hugged his leg. He laughed and glanced at his watch before pulling out his phone and checking his teeth one last time. When he looked up Dean was smiling awkwardly. But then he immediately whipped around and disappeared.

"Where's Daddy going?" She prodded.

"God knows." Cas snorted.

"Hold on." Camilla sang, running back into the audience and going over to Sam and Jess. A minute later, she returned with two wreath-like objects in her hands, both of them covered in fake pink flowers and leaves.

"Jess helped me make these." She grinned, holding one up to Cas.

"Ooh they're so pretty." Cas smiled. "What are they?"

"Flower crowns, silly!" She giggled. "Put it on!"

"Okay, but I can't wear it during the wedding." He replied, placing it on his head, some laughs arising from the audience.

"Why not?" She frowned.

"Because Daddy and I have to look and dress a certain way for the wedding. But I promise I will wear it all day afterwards." Cas assured her.

"But…I made it for you to wear now." She pouted, her bottom lip jutting out.

Cas looked at her for a moment before sighing. "Fine."

She squealed and hugged his leg again, this time bringing out some aw's from the crowd.

"Here's Daddy." Cas sang.

"Daddy!" Camilla cheered, running across the room and hugging him.

"Hey, Champ." Dean smirked, picking her up in his arm and continuing to walk towards Cas. He kissed her cheek and smiled at her before stopping in front of his soon to be husband.

"Okay. Down you go." He sang, placing her on the floor. "Gotta go back to your seat now so we can start, honey."

"Why? I want to stay up here." Camilla asked.

"Because you have to sit in your seat." Dean answered.

"But why-y?" She groaned. "I want to be in the wedding video."

"And you are. You're in most of it." Dean chuckled. "Just go back to your seat okay so we can get started."

Camilla sat on the floor obstinately.

"Camilla." Dean said sternly, but before he could say anything, Cas picked her up and put her on his shoulders.

"There." He smiled.

"Cas you're going to spoil her." Dean sighed. "And what the f- frick on your head?"

"It's a flower crown obviously." Cas scoffed. "Camilla made it."

"And I have one for you, too." She grinned, placing it on Dean's head.

"Honey I-"

"Dean." Cas glared at him.

"Honey, I love it." Dean smiled, the small audience awing once more.

The officiant began speaking and beginning the ceremony and when he told the two men to kiss each other, they did. And Camilla hugged Dean's head.

* * *

**A/N: **So I finished this. Finally. It was kinda weird and dark-ish but I was in a mood. It's been a while since I've update but I've been REALLY busy. And by busy I mean I had a con to attend every 2 weeks. I plan to update Press Rewind soon, but I'm stuck in a rut emotionally again and have kinda shied away from online stuff outside of a few select people, but I'm very aware of how many people I've left hanging with that and I'm so fucking sorry. But I'm kinda overly aware that my stuff has gotten kinda really dark and morbid at some points, but writing is how I've been dealing with some issues of mine. But it's like 2:30AM and I have to be up in a few hours, but I really wanted to get this uploaded.


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